Well, let's just say that our attitudes will need adjustment to say the least. In order for things to be different than last time we set our sights on the Beehive State. I'm hoping that this time around we can do some of the things we want to do. But, as I sit here and type these words, I am struck with a thought, what makes me think things will be any different here than where we are sitting at this immediate moment! As I lay on a couch in San Luis Obispo, CA, why should things change? Yes, we are moving AGAIN. Yes, we are going on our own AGAIN... So, what's new this time? Our attitude is much the same as it was before. We haven't changed our minds on what we want. Much to my surprise, I don't seem to be going forward, but rather kind of sidestepping once again. I feel a bit of rebellion and frustration coming on. So what makes things different? What do I think I can do this time? Become a good little girl by going to church each week and reading my scriptures? Ok, maybe I'm being a bit sarcastic, just a tad even. I'm trying to fool myself into thinking I'm gonna change?
It can happen. I can do these things I've promised so many times I would do. I don't mean to belittle the ideas of my lifestyle but sometimes it comes down to how simple it is. I can try to sugarcoat my life and make everything look perfect when lets face it, at this time, it isn't perfect. I suppose it never really is. I'm not being down trodden on my statement and I'm not stating it for a woah is me or poor me feeling. I'm trying to look things up as they are at the moment. My belief is intact of how I feel about my faith. I have a thorough knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I've never really lost that. Perhaps I think I can change at the last minute and request bedside forgiveness? Maybe I'm just kidding myself that when we make this move, I can change over night. Other people have. Look at Saul when he became Paul, or Alma the Younger, becoming a full witness for Heavenly Father. I'm reaching out I know. I made a new page on Facebook. I'm getting my own life back and being able to have more freedom. Perhaps I take it too far and disappoint myself and others around me? 
No, I think not. I know that I've done some silly things none of which I cannot be forgiven for. None of which I can be truly shamed for. Perhaps I give myself too much leverage but I know that I can get my life back. I want to at least. I want to do what's right and begin anew as I mentioned earlier? Yes, I think I can. Thomas the Engine said that as he climbed the big hill for the first time, struggling with his load. He made it to the top. He was determined to. I know I've got some issues to separate out and some reality to face. I've spent too many years on this earth not to see that for myself. I love my family here in CA. I'm going to miss the kids and grandkids but I can visit them right! Just don't burn the bridges as I go. I realize that I have things to square away. Habits to kick and some good ways to pick up again. So, what stops me? Why! Can I journalize that? Or, do I continue to pretend that I can do what I want. Defiance is what I'm doing right now. Every time I go out for a vapor, or test my limits, am I doing it for the last time? Am I telling myself to quit? Well, not yet and lets be honest ok? I'm not ready to yet. That doesn't mean in the next few months of my life I won't be. I'm going to work in that direction again. This time, I do want the perfect life. The pictorial white picket fence and apron on the front. Pictorially, not on me. Just the idea that things can get better. That I can do and choose the right. It's that simple isn't it?
No comments:
Post a Comment