Agency

Agency is how we make our choices. It's the way to doing good and obtaining our blessings or going astray and losing ourselves in the human weaknesses. We all have free agency. We all are allowed to make our own decisions in accordance of how we want to live our lives. 

I've been living on the fence for a number of years, making a few good decisions and a few not so good ones. I'm not doing drugs or alcohol or anything that obvious. I'm not sinning in the ways of the flesh or watching porn or any of the obvious sins that we look at and point fingers to. I simply talk a good game. I share my thoughts and ideas about how I feel on random subjects. I tickle your fancy with bright words and happy thoughts. Sometimes, I am the worst kind of sinner. I flatter you into thinking that I know all you need to gain your trust. 

How about me? I go to church every week. I say open prayer to hear my words spoken, I share my friendship with the right people and influence those around me with soft words and smiles. I have my scriptures and pictures laying around the house when the Relief Society teachers or the a home teachers show up. I turn off the TV when I know I am to have visitors. I smile at everyone, yet, I am alone, lost in myself, hoping to make people happy. Yet, though I smile and give outword praise, I don't share my testimony. I don't get involved in positions in the church. I sit on the outside enough that I am noticed but ignored.

Or, maybe you want to be me... Lost and confused but knowing what I must do to gain my faith back. I intend to go to church every week, but at the last minute an excuse comes up. I hurt, or I have a family plan or maybe I just sleep in. I watch every day the words of the spirit roll off my back as the prompt me to return and again, I make a resolve to come back. To be there every week and to participate in the wonderful ness of the gospel.

I could show more examples of how we as members can almost share our love of Jesus Christ. How we can almost show a good example of how we should act or be. I can share tidbits so information of how we can almost be there when the time comes. But, do we really want to almost be there? Do we really want to show people that we are everyday Mormons or sometime Mormons? I can't judge any of this as I am or have been these people. I don't always go to church when I should. 

I do know without a doubt that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. I do know that Joseph Smith is a Prophet of God, as is Thomas S Monson now. I do know that there are inspired men of the church, who lead us and guide us in our lives. I know also that the Book of Mormon is true and so is the Holy Bible. I know that God lives and loves us. I know that Jesus died for us and sacrificed his life so we can be atoned for our sins. I know that the Holy Spirit is there to help us to gain our spiritual strength. I know the Missionary program will grow and flourish. I know all these things and my spirit sours to share the gospel. 

We need to get ourselves more into doing the things we must to get active in church. Sometimes, it feels like a routine, a practice of daily ritual that we do. Saying our prayers, reading our scriptures, following the teachings of the church. It feels kind of fake sometimes, like a robot. Yes, these are things I think about as I wonder myself back to the fold. I feel as a member that we need to try to get the inactives back into the church. I've lost many a friend and family member to inactivity including myself. I know that I must try harder for me and pray harder for all of us.  Encourage each other for the positive. I'm not going to pretend that it's easy, but I will tell you it will feel good in the long run. 

How do I begin?

I am a happy and cautiously proud member of the church of Jesus Christ is Latter Day Saints. I have been a member most of my life from the age of 11 years. We were introduced to the church through a good friend of my oldest Brother, Robert. Bronson would invite my brother to go to various activities and when my parents would allow him to go, they would ask questions. Of course the missionaries were then invited to our home and the discussions began.
Being young, sensitive to the spirit and easily led in heart type things, I always found a way to accept the emotional things in life. I loved church...at the time we were going to the Salvation Army. Yes, they had meetings and activities. I even earned a Holy Bible by resighting the Books of the New Testimony. It was a zippered Rainbow Bible which I kept until it fell apart. I was one of the first to go to the front during the commitment to be saved each week. Hey, I cried about Puff, the Magic Dragon as a Beehive in Mutual.
As the years went by, my testimony strengthened and grew in various ways. It was all in accordance with the church positions I held or the trials I was trying to overcome. I felt happy and content and made the weekly trips to church, sometimes after little sleep on Saturday night because of a side job I had as a non-paid DJ for church dances and activities. We really had a good time. 

I met a nice young man and married in the temple. I continued to go to church regularly and to enjoy the learning and blessings I got there.  After a few months, my husband was killed in a serious accident Up to this point, I had been mostly active and involved. I started to feel uncomfortable going to the ward I was attending so, I went back to my old ward and I still didn't seem to feel comfortable.

 Finally, after much pain and blaming others for my reasons, I quit going to church. Only when I visited family or on special occasions, would I attend. Finally, I ascended into the temptations of life which I have since been forgiven of and repented of as well. I started to attend church vicariously when the mood hit or when I felt guilty enough to go. 

I got married to my husband that I have now and as he wasn't a member, I would go off and on. If anything was happening on Sunday, activities were always first. Finally, I realized that I had to get back into the church. We started going to visit my family in Utah and of course, there were many LDS Temples noticeable on the road. My husband took an interest in them and started his curiosity of the church. After we had been married for about ten years and two attempts, he accepted the church and was baptized. We were married in the Temple in Fresno, CA on November 24,2001. Since then my life has not been the same. 

I have left names out to start with so you could see the basic story of my life. I will introduce people as I go. My husband and I have been together for over 22 years and we are blessed with many family members. Though my activity is still slow, I remain more active than in the past and resolve with this writing to gain a better strength to sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ.